Interview with Dracula
Interviewer: MAVIS (little girl, fledgling vampire, alter-ego Eliza Lake’s niece)
Interviewee: DRACULA (vampire)
Subject: IS DRACULA THE LEADER OF ALL MONSTERS?
(Please read Dracula’s voice as either Leslie Nielsen from “Dracula: Dead and Loving It” or Vlad from “Horton Hears a Who”)
M: Are you Dracula?
D: Vho vants to know?
M: I do.
M: (sigh) Are you the leader of all the monsters?
D: (miffed) Vell of course I am. Vho else?
D: (laughing) Heh, heh, heh. You very funny.
M: What’s wrong with Frank?
D: Virst and number vone: Frankenstein not have own brain. Second and another: Brain dead. Not alive. So not much smarts. How he solve problem angry village? Set self on fire. Frankenstein leader? Heh, heh you very funny girl.
M: What about witches?
D: Vitches! This not comedy show. Cackle. Cackle. Cackle. All the time. Vhat so funny? Vitch, I think you say coo-coo, coo-coo in head. Vitches not proper leader. Not scaaaary!
M: (skeptical) You’re scary?
D: (proudly) I vampire. Vampire only really scary monster!
M: I’m a vampire.
D: (disbelief) You vampire? Heh, heh. Little girl.
M: I am. See? (shows vampire fangs) So I’m scary?
D: OK. You vampire. So you little scary. But you not Dracula!
M: No. I’m Mavis.
D: Mavis not scary name. DrAculA! It scary name. Say.
M: (half-hearted) Dracula.
D: No. DrAculAAA! See. It scary. Vhooo! Scary, yes?
M: (a little more effort) Draacula.
D: (loudly) No. DRAcuLAA!
M: (with feeling) DRACULA!
D: (feigning fear) Vhooo! Scary, see?
M: (rolling eyes) OK. But what about Mummies. They’re scary. They’re dead.
D: I’m dead. Undead. Many monsters dead. That not make scary. Mummies vrap self in toilet paper. Not scary. Beside, Mummie sound constipated. Uhh. Uhh. Nah-nah, nah-nah. Heh, heh, heh. I make joke.
M: (blank stare)
D: Master P? No? OK. Now serious. Mummie not make good leader either.
M: So Frankenstein, Witches and Mummies can be leader. What about….ghosts?
D: You are kidding me now. I don’t like ghosts.
M: You don’t like ghosts.
D: (straight face) I don’t like ghosts.
D: I tell ghost: “No valk through vall.” Vhat ghost do? Valk through vall. Hard to be taking bath vith ghosts valking through valls. No privacy. Ghosts all: “Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” I say: “It’s me! I take bath…Get out!” Ghost act like they no being hearing me.
M: Do you like werewolves? I hear you are mortal enemies.
D: (smugly) Verevolf not real monster. Like puppy dog. Sit. Fetch. Howl at moon, then go to vork at office in morning. Heh, heh, heh. Dracula sleep ’til dusk. Lie around in silk pajama. Verevolf too busy bringing home bacon to be being leader.
M: Do you think skeletons are scary?
D: Clickty-clack. Clickty-clack. I throw leg bone to verevolf. Not scary.
M: (excited) I have a scary one for you. Are you ready?
D: OK. This good vone, yes?
D: Ahhhh! (suddenly serious) No. Not scary. Stinky. People not really run because scared. Really run because smell like pond scum. If don’t run, pass out.
D: Ugh. Guano everywhere. Bats no longer invited into castle. Let me tell you, last monster soiree, I’m slipping in guano every night two weeks.
M: You could get a maid.
D: Hard to keep maid. Too tasty.
D: You have got to be kidding me. Fruit not scary. Fruit on vitch broom. Is joke, you see? Vitch crazy making dancing fruit.
M: I think pumpkins are vegetables.
D: Still not scary.
M: Zombies! You have to admit zombies are terrifying!
D: (blank stare)
M: Not even a little bit?
D: (unexcited) Vrotting flesh?
M: (eerie whisper) They want to eat your brains.
D: Because Zombie dumber than Frankenstein. If possible! (rolling eyes)
M: Well who is scary then?
M: (sigh, then mocks) Besides DrAculaa!
D: (thoughtful gaze)
M: (flustered) Really? Really, Dracula?
D: (innocently) Vhat? I’m thinking.
D: Don’t sleep. Heh, heh, heh. Don’t sleep. You get?
M: (sarcastic) Oh, I know: fairies.
D: Argghhh! Now that scaaary! Tinkerbell flying around head like buzzing gnat! (shudders)
M: (throws up hands in frustration)
D: And Mickey Mouse…
M: (rolls eyes) Nevermind.
D: Santa Clause.
M: Shut up! (covers ears)
D: He crush you vith big belly after breaking in house.
M: (stomps from room) I’m leaving.
D: (fangy smile) Vhat?…OK. Call me vith more questions.
(favorite Dracula movie ever!)